VAGABONDAGE 101

VAGABONDAGE
11/19/21

For some reason it seems I'm most happy when there's a little bit of shame involved. Why does shame and happiness coexist so closely together? It's like, I just had the most beautiful exquisite but shamefully expensive dinner and I feel good! Not being able to share the experience of a beautiful Villa or a tropical island with someone is perhaps only a dream if alone but I believe with someone else~  that comes a reality.

My son and I are being treated like a royalty with a beautiful condo overlooking the ocean here in Kauai, my friend..... My dearest friend that I adore and love so much is a chef and has given me 200% Total Access to her Jeep 4x4 and won't even allow me to buy food although I do and I even push her out of the kitchen so I can do dishes? I'm tempted to have my lawyers draw up a contract and have her adopt us? Like a stray dog that you feed once and it never goes away... Well that's a joke and I'm not going to impose~just saying with gratitude of blessings.

I'm used to being on the giving end not to receiving end and I know a lot of that stems from my mother's personality where you wouldn't leave the house of hers without something in your arms going away? It's somehow rather difficult for me to be at the receiving end but this relationship is no chalkboard of who did what and when and at what time and I'm praying it balances out it seems to be? And this is something I guess I needed to learn so I welcome it with much honor~🙏🥰🙏
It's getting harder to take experiencing all these beautiful things and still being alone, even though my 15 year old is here the furthest thing he wants to do is be separated from his phone and playing games with friends on it? But I am constantly reminded he is a normal 15 year old and that's what they do, therefore I don't shame or manipulate to friendship. It's just what it is but it ain't what it used to be?

I got to get out.........
And it drives me batshit crazy to stay inside, I never want to stay within these sheetrocked four walls and the ceiling I need to get out I need to explore I need to look for different things to entertain my eyes....
I call it "EYE PORN"?
Yep, find different things instead of the mundane day after day year after year that make you look and your eyes grow bigger with wonderment. Go a different road a different path try different transportation talk to different people try different food trying to do anything but the daily routine that sadly suffocates that life and existence into a blank piece of paper?

When no one steps on my dreams and all the puzzles seemed fit days like this, where there are moments when a heavenly light rises over the dim world you have been so long creating, and bathes it with life and beauty, freedom to experience, to breath and grow away from what won't allow you to evolve. Struggling and choking to keep it down instead of exposing your freakiness for life, adventure and happiness. I escaped my suicide machine of the 9 to 5 - the four sheetrocked walls of the American dream and vision that has imploded while killing myself to live of what I'll never get out alive. I divorced my toxins, the bridges behind me were meant to be burnt as I don't belong there anymore. That only pushes me to go forward, to make more mistakes and learn different things. I have more questions than I do answers and I have 10, 000 lessons why doesn't work and only one of why it does.

You hopefully understand as well as everyone else you have responsibilities in the world and have to be a bit more practical because you're not 16 anymore?  But~ if you're climbing up that number ladder you've got to realize this is no dress rehearsal~ this is your life so whatever it takes for you to be happy if it's where you are in your comfort zone that's good. And you may have been selected to find Paradise with your mate with your wife with that area where you are and that's a blessing but,  If it's not good I urge you to change it do something to make you feel happy do something that makes other people feel happy and be a change out there?

When no one steps on my dreams anymore and all the puzzles seemed fit days like this, where there are moments when a heavenly light rises over the dim world you have been so long creating, and bathes it with life and beauty, freedom to experience, to breath and grow away from what won't allow you to evolve. Struggling and choking to keep it down instead of exposing your freakiness for life, adventure and happiness. I escaped my suicide machine of the 9 to 5 - the four sheetrocked walls of the American dream and vision that has imploded while killing myself to live of what I'll never get out alive. I divorced my toxins, the bridges behind me were meant to be burnt as I don't belong there anymore. That only pushes me to go forward, to make more mistakes and learn different things.

I think my parents were wrong when they said " I won't be happy until I put out someone's eye"? Most everyone I've met still has both of them operating and I didn't do anything to devalue that? As far as love~ where's it going to take me .....I'm hopeful but still have no clue and I'll find out one way or another hopefully before the end?